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Bienenkönigin


So, so tired. Not a happy post. Mostly.

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Its snowing out right now...beautiful to behold yet it puts a chill in my bones and heart.
Close to feeling suicidal. Am trying very very hard to fight against this. Very difficult.
Have been falling lately, due to meds not working? Not sure, could be any of many things.

Am starting new medication and weaning off old one, plus adding another. Can we say yay?
So no school this semester. Cannot afford it. Psych degree will have to wait a bit longer.
Am trying to love Nevada. Very hard. Spring might help. All my plants are dead and dying.
Steve got in a car accident. He's alright, truck's not. Stupid snow and woman at stop sign.
Grandmother is dying. Nephew is having birthday party. Can't go home. Thanks again, snow.
Totally broke at the moment. Grocery money, not much else. Which brings me to my next...
Got laid off from job at Borders. Was seasonal, but still. Feeling extremely depressed.
Have been sick with Bronchitis for a month now. Before that, sprained back. Lovely.
Am smoking. Not good. Certainly doeesn't help but its something to take my mind off my mind.
Dog just farted. Just add to my irrational irritation, miserable canine; but still love you.
Trying to find a psych doctor who takes Tricare. Not an easy task. TriToGetCare is more like it. BumFuckCarsonCity.
Every day I think about drinking. Has been a year and 8 months since my last drink. Never thought it would turn out this way. Sheesh. I should just look at my family history.
Just want to leave---or forget.
Trying to find AA meetings and playgroups so I don't go more insane. Not an easy task.
Parents got married here? Possible curse may have taken hold of frozen life. We shall see.
Clutter everywhere makes me crazy. Want to get big garbage bag and bid goodbye and fuckyou.

But.

Since am the person I am, will try hard to think of some happy things. Not end of life things.

We have a house of our own we will move into in March. No more payments. This is a good thing.
I can breathe alright, coughing and hacking notwithstanding. I am alive, my heart is beating.
Am in a warm house, have food, have loving husband and crazy yet wonderful children...and dogs.
Snow really is beautiful. Deadly, but lovely. Whispers of it on every tree, crunch underfoot.
Have been writing poetry. Can't find my book otherwise would share some of it. Might be good.


All I can think of right now.
Hope you all are faring better, and listening to your own hearts beating.
Sometimes life is shitty, but would nothingness really be preferable?

???
Current Mood:
distressed distressed
Current Music:
nothingness
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