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Bienenkönigin

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* * *
It is important
for me to remember.
The agonizing yet
wonderful pain!
All consuming...
For two weeks
until it's apex
brought me my gift,
my Life's Work.
The crush of
flesh fighting flesh
The surreal quality
of it all;
the whirring machines
the people that weren't
there...just You and I.
A final severing, and my
youth transferred to you.
A tree followed your arrival;
That Crimson Vacated Haven.
I laughed,
blood spattered, weary...
victorious.
Then tears, and realization.
The final labor had yet
to begin; this
a mere rehearsal.
It is important
for me to remember.
* * *
Sky is white as my hands and face
Bare tree limbs break as do my nerves
Tears run down as does the rain
Music calms as thoughts hum perverse

Sanity cracks as boots crunch snow
Smile through it all as you grind your teeth
Disappearing where as you'll never know
Swallow it all down as you wait to be free

* * *
Brown carpet, brown chairs,
stale minds, stale air.
Magazines wrinkle on a wrack;
Two searching souls, clothed in black.
Token green plants, full of dust-
stench of dolor, rotting to rust.
Complimentary tissue for a cry
as you sit and wait, wondering why.
* * *
Smoke curls up...
Beautiful, elusive;
Dangerous.
A feral cat on the prowl.

Mind shuts down...
Deformed, abusive;
Monstrous.
A precious gift used most foul.

Thoughts are scattered...
Neurotic, intrusive;
Disastrous.
A mouse dead-gift for the owl.

Starve it out...
Reformed, inclusive;
Ubiquitous.
Delight of the stomach's growl.
Current Mood:
melancholy melancholy
Current Music:
Coldplay-Lights Will Guide You Home
* * *
Yellow bird flying
Gets shot in the wing
Good year for hunter
And Christmas parties
And I hate and I hate
And I hate and I hate
Elevator music
The way we fight
The way I'm left here silent

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

We danced in graveyards
With vampires till dawn
We laughed in the faces of kings
Never afraid to burn
And I hate and I hate
And I hate and I hate
Disintegration
Watching us wither
Black winged roses that safely changed their color

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

I can't reach you
I can't reach you
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

...

That was Tori. Now for me.

Steve always says he knows when I've turned myself inside out with melancholia.
I listen to Tori Amos.
...
Such pain I can't stand it.
But I bring myself back to it again and again.
The chill goes right down my spine and bursts into flame.
Where did this pain come from I don't know
But I know
I'd rather feel this pain than the nothingness I could have
Fallen into
Back in Maryland. Lithium and severed veins
Tell the story of the Pain.
But I fought it out...and I won
Gaping Chasm.
Pain is weakness leaving the body?
See how strong I am. See the smile through
The Tears as I rip my body apart to give birth.
The blood is washed away...
And the next chapter of my Life
Opens it's pink blooming mouth.
Current Location:
in my head with a flashlight and baseball bat
Current Mood:
sad sad
Current Music:
rain, wind, and fairy chimes
* * *
* * *
Yes, and so, an update.
Things don't often turn out the way you might expect.
My grandmother did pass. I hope she's with my grandfather, and happy.
At least she has no more pain. No...she passed that on to me.
Spinal Stenosis.
SI joint dysfunction.
Degenerative Disc Disease. Six discs.
Lumbar arthritis.
Had my MRI and a panic attack too. Valium doesn't work on me.
Now I'm on Percocet and muscle relaxers until surgery.
Seeing one of the best back doctors in Nevada.
Lightening storm last week...saw 3 hours of it.
Thank you, Insomnia.
Feel 71 instead of 31.
Sickening feeling when I heard about the air show.
Imagine such quickness of loss. Boom, and you're gone.
So I go outside in the cool night air, have a ciggy, and breathe in Life.
I love my life.
I love Life.
I Love.
Yes, and thank you John Lennon.
Love is all you need.
Current Mood:
content content
Current Music:
Portishead in my head
* * *
I can't decide. Meh.

Bavarian Wild Berry
Sugar Plum Spice
Irish Breakfast
Vanilla Caramel Truffle
Wild Berry Zinger
Orange Spice
Mango Peach White Tea
Raspberry Herbal
Pumpkin Spice Autumnal Blend
Tazo Refresh
Tazo Awake
Tazo Passion
Tazo Wild Sweet Orange
Tazo Calm
Tazo Zen
Coconut Mango Oolong
Lemon Ginger Herbal
Chamomile
Chai Green tea
Chai Spice black tea
Chrysanthemum tea
Jasmine Green
Orange Passionfruit herbal

And that's not even all of them.
...I'm getting a headache.
And I feel like Ramona Flowers.

* * *
It is, indeed, snowing. Was only supposed to rain. Looks like a blizzard out there. Damn the snow! I want Spring. My tulips are still struggling to survive. Well, look on the brightside. Hmm. There's got to be one. Trying desperately to find one. Oh yes. At least we have a heater to keep warm. Were it July, we would be roasting, as we have no air conditioner. There. Another brightside. I no longer am slinking outside to smoke, therefore am in no way uncomfortable. Except for my back. For which I am either going to get epidural like shots or an MRI. Or both. Meh. Forget that one. I'll make some tea and maybe put on that new Morrissey video Steve got. Which reminds me...Journey in the movie TRON? Hells yes. And the soundtrack for SuckerPunch is pretty good. Mostly female and a very stirring rendition of "Asleep". I was ready to spit nails if a cover of my favorite Smiths song blew chunks. But...all is well.
Except for the damn snow.
Current Mood:
discontent discontent
* * *
My Stars, it has been years. And I've just dropped 3 things off of my desk. Go me. Anyway, here I am with the last of the diet pepsi and not surprised at all that lying in bed 4 hours does not make sleep automatically appear within my grasp, on the contrary. Doctor says don't nap during the day. Hah, says I. How can one not nap when one only gets 3 hours of sleep, I ask. Doctor says, you don't nap, you will sleep. Hah, says I. I don't nap and still no sleep. Silly doctor.

It could be the not smoking. It's like coming off of heroin or something. Srsly. Not for the weak, this quitting thing. But I have it down. It kind of helps that I want to live. O, didn't I mention that I smoked? I'm sure I did. Just been so long since I've posted. Picked it up in Winter 09 with every intention to be social, seductive, random, Holly Golightly cigarette holder-type smoker. 6 Months and can't do w/o them. So now, when my own son, aged 7 and 3/4 asks me with all the earnestness at his command says 'Mommy can you at least TRY not to smoke?' And that is not an unreasonable thing to ask. Not like in X-Men when Bobby's mom says to him "Have you tried NOT being a mutant?" So. It's been one week and excellent results. Making your mind up firmly is the only way to go.

Of course...being almost deathly ill had quite a bit to do with it too. Strep throat then strange relapse fever kept me ill 17 days. 30 lbs lighter, enormous energy drained, and sickly pallid color against my copper locks. BUT. Ex-smoker. And got my flying mount today with my goblin, so yay me! Steve is shifting onto this other mmorpg called RIFT but my heart remains with WoW. Still so tired. So. Tired. But not sleepy. Rawrrr.

Miss my family. Haven't seen them since January. But strangely, don't have the hutzpah to carry off a trip right now, no matter how homesick or how much I long to smell the jasmine vines. Maybe when I'm better...

In other news, life goeth oneth. Need to get the dogs groomed and teeth cleaned, the car tuned up, start planning the youngling's 8th birthday. And start planning a garden! Yes, the snow is hopefully gone for good and warm lazy hazy days coming upon us. That backyard is a mess but I got a good book on what grows well in Western Nevada. Friend is having a baby this month; threw her a shower last month...which puts baby on the brain. Steve said once he gets going as a social worker in about a year or two after he is all done with school then we can make plans. Just think of it...a baby...*le sigh* Breastfeeding again...and that means getting off some meds I'm on right now. Yes, getting out of smoking and staying vegetarian and maybe building up my core more is just what I need to keep me busy, that and a garden...and coffee with Penny and Kathy...and mayhaps rereading my "Anne" books or finishing learning how to crochet...oooh making a baby blanket...maybe this time pink...*warm happy thoughts*

Ok I'm gonna go read some more with the flashlight. Hopefully Bailey isn't all sprawled out on the bed. My back hurts at the mere thought of moving him. I know he should be sleeping in his own bed but I just can't help it. I want to keep him little as long as I possibly can...it will be far too short a time before he's growing up and away from me. Sheeit, Kelsey's already 15. I got her when she was 6 though.
Ok this time I'm really going.
Good night.
It's good to be back.
Current Mood:
awake awake
* * *
Its snowing out right now...beautiful to behold yet it puts a chill in my bones and heart.
Close to feeling suicidal. Am trying very very hard to fight against this. Very difficult.
Have been falling lately, due to meds not working? Not sure, could be any of many things.

Am starting new medication and weaning off old one, plus adding another. Can we say yay?
So no school this semester. Cannot afford it. Psych degree will have to wait a bit longer.
Am trying to love Nevada. Very hard. Spring might help. All my plants are dead and dying.
Steve got in a car accident. He's alright, truck's not. Stupid snow and woman at stop sign.
Grandmother is dying. Nephew is having birthday party. Can't go home. Thanks again, snow.
Totally broke at the moment. Grocery money, not much else. Which brings me to my next...
Got laid off from job at Borders. Was seasonal, but still. Feeling extremely depressed.
Have been sick with Bronchitis for a month now. Before that, sprained back. Lovely.
Am smoking. Not good. Certainly doeesn't help but its something to take my mind off my mind.
Dog just farted. Just add to my irrational irritation, miserable canine; but still love you.
Trying to find a psych doctor who takes Tricare. Not an easy task. TriToGetCare is more like it. BumFuckCarsonCity.
Every day I think about drinking. Has been a year and 8 months since my last drink. Never thought it would turn out this way. Sheesh. I should just look at my family history.
Just want to leave---or forget.
Trying to find AA meetings and playgroups so I don't go more insane. Not an easy task.
Parents got married here? Possible curse may have taken hold of frozen life. We shall see.
Clutter everywhere makes me crazy. Want to get big garbage bag and bid goodbye and fuckyou.

But.

Since am the person I am, will try hard to think of some happy things. Not end of life things.

We have a house of our own we will move into in March. No more payments. This is a good thing.
I can breathe alright, coughing and hacking notwithstanding. I am alive, my heart is beating.
Am in a warm house, have food, have loving husband and crazy yet wonderful children...and dogs.
Snow really is beautiful. Deadly, but lovely. Whispers of it on every tree, crunch underfoot.
Have been writing poetry. Can't find my book otherwise would share some of it. Might be good.


All I can think of right now.
Hope you all are faring better, and listening to your own hearts beating.
Sometimes life is shitty, but would nothingness really be preferable?

???
Current Mood:
distressed distressed
Current Music:
nothingness
* * *
* * *

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